So, I kept giving my recent poor humour serious consideration.
I kept an open mind. Quietly observed what worked and what didn’t.
Having just re-read my previous post I can see the answer was clearly there.
The girlfriend became obsolete last week and now I feel so much better. Already!
The key problem was the lack of passion, and for somebody like me who has a generous part of their psyche based in the world of the artistic, a partner; be they long-term, casual or even prospective is really a muse. You get a better idea of what kind of art they will draw out of you as you inch yourself into their experience. There must always be the desire or passion. It may take a while to discover what the key is, which I actually believe is usually a physical feature, but it has to be there.
I think I knew it wasn’t from the beginning. Now, a year and a half later, it could seem deceptive to only be stepping away now. It certainly does to her. But in all honesty, I liked her fit as a partner. I could tell she wasn’t a total cunt. I wanted to think with my head instead of my dick, so I put it to one side and stayed positive. Everything was great, except no passion or desire at all on my part. When she brought hers out I didn’t like it. Didn’t really want it, and started to even dread it. Then I doubled down and tried harder. But after about a year other things started to fall back, lose energy and success. It was starting to come to the fore. This isn’t going to work out.
This was around the time of my last blog. Also around that time we booked the family holiday, and very soon I realised that holiday would be the decisive moment for me. It played out different to how I expected though. I thought I’d have a normal holiday and then take a week or two to decide whether or not to continue. Erm, no.
I’ll simplify as much as I can. We both have a child the same age. My girl, her boy. He’s Autistic to a reasonable degree, but very functional, normal school etc. The merging of two families hinges on the adults being on the same page and the kids getting the same deal. Let’s just say that when the autism gets lively, he can be difficult. That shouldn’t really be punished and I get that, but her approach has become ‘Let it all through.’ He can be rude, annoying, eat with his hands, shout and holler and she won’t admonish him. But on occasion he’d be aggressive (usually to her) and I would speak up. After about 6 months she told me he didn’t like me doing this and so she asked me to keep out of it. What do you think happened after I conceded? Yup, he got worse.
This culminated on the holiday with him finally being aggressive to my daughter, me raising my voice, and GF snapping at me for doing so. I realised that I can’t live with that,I have no passion for her and there are a whole other raft of incidents where she was heavily biased in the boys favour to the detriment of everyone else. And now I can’t even stand up for my daughter?
By the time we got back from our shitty, rain-soaked week on Dartmoor I could barely contain my disgust. On the plus side, she made the decision really easy, even my daughter was done with it. On the down side, I didn’t expect the whole ending to be so brutal. I sent her away for 2 days and when she came back I had to drop her. She was stunned.
Now it’s a week later. I’m getting those texts that you get. The ones that tell me she isn’t seeing reality as it is. I’m feeling great.
Life is sometimes a bit of a bitch.